Recovering from the Narcissist….
All too often, a new client presents with a rattle of self doubt, hyper vigilance and total nervous system dysregulation due to the effects of their entanglement with a narcissist. Their sense of self-worth, confidence, safety and stability has been decimated and the markers for this are obvious to the educated eye. An unhealed victim of narcissistic abuse often radiates the energy of self-loathing, inability to trust, grief, paranoia, anxiety and panic. The time (often years) they spent being targeted, isolated, put down, unworthy and been made to feel they are incompetent and “less than” in so many ways is etched into their energy which vibrates a particular resonance out into the world. I’m always saddened to hear an account of their experience. Its even more saddening when clients have delayed getting help out of a fear of having their experience faffed-off or minimalised in some way, or worse, being labelled an exaggerator or liar.
More often before reaching me, these clients have already been in therapy to consciously unpack their experience and are well versed on the characteristics and giveaway traits of a narcissist. For the most part they have already identified and acknowledged the damage done to them by a narcissist. Contact has mostly already been severed, or in the case where it is a close family member they have gone “grey rock”. They have come to me to release the energetic density caused by the experience, either because they have a conscious awareness of the need for spiritual clearing or I have been recommended to them by someone who has recognised their need for this type of therapy. Mostly, the client still feels like they are still stuck in a loop with their experience and just can’t move on from it. They find themselves being constantly triggered back into the anger and devastation caused by the distressing experience.
*grey rock is a term given to a boundary tool used in the area of psychology, used to minimise exposure to an abuser who has proven themselves to be on a vendetta against their victim. This is a major step that requires professional guidance as there is an inevitable but predictable reaction that will ensue its implementation and so a victim of a narc will need to have their supports in place before adopting this technique.
There are different categories of a narcissist and different traits of behaviour. They are found enmeshed into all areas of society. Some come in the form of romantic partners, others are nestled in the family unit, the workplace will tend to have them in a position of power and social circles and volunteering groups tend to be a playground for them.
When a client speaks of their experience there is always an undertone of fear. Fear that they wont be believed. Fear they will sound crazy. Fear they will be judged. Fear that the person they are confiding in wont understand. The statements clients will say in relation to their experience with a narc tend to be similar…..
“I thought I was going crazy in that situation…”
Well, they turned all arguments back on you. Made you seem unreasonable for having issues with their behaviour. Denied their wrong-doing against you, told you that you are imagining things, over-reacting, stressed or suggesting you are not thinking straight. They could have possibly hid your belongings to make you doubt yourself and your memory. No matter how much evidence was presented to them to justify your point they had a way of dismissing it or turning it on you in some way. They would argue their case so confidently you would be left in a confused haze. This is a technique called gaslighting to make you doubt your reality so they could dodge accountability. A narc is never to be held accountable!
“They were so loving and caring at times too, it was bizarre…..”
I bet that happened when you were upset or they noticed you distant. This is called love-bombing. They reel you back in by dropping all the hurtful behaviours just long enough for you to drop your guard and forget.The narc is always super clued into the emotional state of those in their circle and are very observant of the tiniest change in a persons mood or mindset. The first sign they are out of rapport with you will trigger off a cascade of techniques to reel you back in and regain rapport and your trust. It never lasts tho…….
“I just cant understand why they were so threatened by me”
A narcissist is one of the most internally insecure people you will ever meet. Their insecurity is evidence of the trauma they endured somewhere in their life - most probably childhood. They may initially present with the trustworthy, confident, authentic, salt of the earth vibe. In any case they have learnt to make their way and stay safe by staying out in front and being the main influencer of their circle. They are extremely skilful at reading people and potential outcomes. Your independence and confidence triggered their insecurity and their warped safety mechanism kicked in.
How could they keep you dependant on them if you were to think and make decisions for yourself? How would it look if you didn’t need to consult them for their more superior perspective or advice??? What if you became more competent or popular than them in the work environment? What would that mean in their insecure world? Very unsettling for them to have you running around in “their territory” believing in yourself, confident in your worth, knowing your own mind and developing relationships and bonds of trust with people they strive to hold influence over.
“They turned so many mutual friends/colleagues/family against me, it was devastating….”
Yes, welcome to their twisted world. They did that as they sensed you weren’t going to be dominated fully by them. Your sovereignty was a threat. Subconsciously they sensed a risk you could influence others to maintain their sovereignty and again their safety mechanism was triggered. Your intentions and integrity as a person became their new target. Perhaps your contribution or work was undermined. Soft suggestions would be dropped amongst colleagues/friends/family or to your boss disguised as concern for you or the situation. Most probably they brought your mental state and stability into question with people in your circle to reduce your credibility. If that failed or they still sensed that you had the support of those people, they will cunningly use something you said or did totally out of context…..again it would be done under the guise of “concern” or “their being upset”. If necessary, they will conjure up lies to ensure distance is put between you and anyone at risk of being your advocate. They appoint themselves the team mediator or spokesperson - a headquarters of all relational operations as such! This ensures they can maintain influence. You may even have been the one influenced against family, friends or colleagues and only now, years later do you realise that you had been played. The age old chestnut tactic of divide and conquer………or triangulation as it is referred to in the world of psychology.
(Some issues discussed here can arise after you adopt the Grey rock technique and explains why it is so important to be professionally guided and educated on this process)
“I got blamed for the damage THEY caused…”
Yup, of course you did. I bet you got labelled a narcissist?! You were also possibly labelled as a malignancy within the work team, untrustworthy, controlling, a cheater, unfit parent, being financially abusive, unreasonable, volatile or even crazy!!!!! In their twisted mind they must control the narrative in relation to how other people perceive your character. Sometimes that meant accusing you of the very thing they did in their interactions/relationship with you or of the very characteristics they themselves embody. This is a textbook narcissistic retaliation in a bid to maintain dominance in the form of social status. In any case they were going to portray themselves as superior to you or as YOUR victim. They couldn’t possibly be labelled the one who caused a dysfunction, rift or breakdown of relationships, social circles, work teams etc…..and they definitely wouldn’t be willing to look at the damage caused by any triangulation they engaged in.
“I was so fooled by them, I feel so angry with myself”
Not your fault. Unless you had previous experience of this form of emotional abuse you would never have needed to educate yourself on the different forms of narcissism and all their behaviours and tactics. If they showed you their true colours earlier you would have shut the situation down. A lot of the time the situation was evolving and deepening over years as the narcissist turned the screw another ¼ turn every so often.
Often there are people in your circle that don’t truly understand the power of the influence you were under by the emotional abuser and as a result there was never a full mending of any fractures that occurred in your relationships. This too can be transmuted on the astral plane in order to bring true understanding and forgiveness into any personal relationships affected during the time you spent under the influence of your abuser.
“I just don’t understand how people stand by what he/she does”
Understand that this form of emotional abuse is not easily obvious to those who haven’t personally experienced it, in many situations it can take years for some to realise whats happening. On the other hand its very common place that many onlookers have themselves been parented by a narcissist and have been programmed and indoctrinated since childhood to submit to and obey, as well as avoid, the full wrath of an upset narc at all costs….their docility became their survival tactic. Furthermore, some of those people have observed what happens those who go up against a narc and they really don’t know how they would handle the social fallout of that happening to them. Others just don’t care. Either way the number one rule is to let them find out for themselves in time. In the meantime the devastation of the perceived betrayal of silent onlookers needs to be released from your nervous system.
“the stress of it all made me sick”
-This is a common theme unfortunately. Emotional abuse causes a vibrational state of inner turmoil that eventually alters how a person sees themselves. This lays a foundation for some very toxic detrimental programmes to seed and germinate within your subconscious and conscious mind. These low vibrational programmes restricts the flow of healthy energy to the cells. Over time symptoms can begin to pop up in the body. Again, its a top priority to clear this turmoil energy from your subconscious, conscious mind and cells.
“I dont know who I was in that situation, I was unable to recognise myself and the person I became”
Another unfortunate theme of a person in recovery. The consistent mind-games, emotional blackmail, silent threats, suggestive instructions (this is done to imply they only suggested rather than instructed you), tri-angulation, isolation, smear campaigns, gaslighting and imbalance of power will really compromise your sense of safety in the world. A victim’s mental state can be quickly compromised. A light begins to dim inside and a change in personality and behaviours can be devastating to the victim and their family.
I will work with you to help you to understand and forgive yourself so you can fully move past this. There is so much to energetically unpack where this has happened, please don’t waste anymore time deferring its release.
Cleaning up the mess……
A client with narcissist induced trauma, will need the energetic cords between them and their abuser dissolved. This is necessary even if there has been no contact for years or minimal required contact. All the detrimental programmes running within the client due to this abuse need to be cleared as a priority. Negative beliefs that emerged from and remain rooted to the experience must be addressed and deleted immediately. Any power lost or stolen from the victim needs to be retrieved and restored to their field. Soul healing between the client and their abuser must take place on the astral plane to ensure the situation is put to bed.
Then there’s the question that burns in the mind of all victims…….”why me?”. This is a small question with a big complex answer. For the sake of keeping it simple for this blog, I am going to be very direct and concise with my answer to this…… as well as sensing your sovereignty, self worth and confidence, they also sensed your wounds and traumas and used them to their advantage or gain. This is not in any sense a victim blame game, its simply the truth. On some level of your psyche you were holding frequencies and vibrations of unpleasant events or realities. Those frequencies and vibrations may be from childhood events or experiences or they may have been inherited down the ancestral line. As humans we innately transmute our traumas into our strengths and resilience - they become our souls gold. You don’t get to bypass the inner work tho, these traumas need to be neutralised and released or they remain resonant in your field. This way, you only hold onto the gold of those wounds and traumas!
On a deeper spiritual level the origins of narcissistic behaviours and wounds lie within the divine masculine and divine feminine blueprint. The appearance of such issues in ones life, as either the perpetrator or the victim, are a divine opportunity to heal these imbalances for yourself, the entirety of your lineage, your future generations and for the collective. A golden ticket to expanded consciousness if you will! There is a divine plan at play here and you are being invited by the universe to embrace all of its learnings and opportunities to evolve
Never deny yourself the opportunity to heal because you fear your experience wont be understood or believed. More importantly, you must be aware that emotional abuse is not gender specific, both men and women are equally at risk. As many men come forward to heal these wounds as women. There are many very well informed and skilled practitioners who will happily assist and support you to attain the higher wisdom of your experience, understand its role in your life, integrate the positives into your psyche and move on for once and for all….and most importantly never be sucked in or blindsided by a narc again.
There is light at the end of the tunnel and you can recover fully and put this behind you. Find me on www.ciaraburns.com to connect with me and learn about my unique and specialised methods of healing from emotional abuse. Be sure to avail of your free discovery call while your there
Ciara Burns -The Quantum Reboot
***The scenarios depicted in this blog are on the extreme end of the scale. If you are currently experiencing any of the problems mentioned in this blog, please seek out help from a professional. These situations can escalate very quickly. Please don’t attempt to confront or disentangle from someone who scares or intimidates you or has any form of authority over you without professional support.